Joke on bird flu:a bear, a lion and a chicken meet
Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering withfear."
Lion says:"If I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afriad of me"
Chicken says: "Big deal, I only have to cough and the entire planet shivers"
How to succeed-an American M.B.A way:The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.
Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied, "Only a little while."
The American then asked, "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?"
The Mexican said, "With this I have more than enough to support my family's needs."
The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing; and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat: With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor; eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York where you will run your ever-expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15 to 20 years."
"But what then?" asked the Mexican.
The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."
"Millions?... Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
An engineer in hell:An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon the engineer, dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they have got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer. So, how is it going down there in
hell?Satan replies. Hey things are going great. We have got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators and there is no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.God replies. What? You have got an engineer? That is a mistake- he should never have got down there,
send him up here. Satan says. No way, I like having an engineer on the staff and I am going to keep him.God says. Send him back up here or I will sue. Satan laughs uproariously and answers. Yeah, right and just where are you going to get a lawyer?
My original jokes:India-England test at Nagpur reaches last day in an interesting position. The morning of the last day thousands of Indian fans are waiting outside the gates since they are closed. People are wondering when the gate will be opened. At this time, a limousin bus with English cricket team arrives there and players start getting down. When Flintoff got down,one of the fan starts shouting 'now the gate will be opened'. people nearby him are surprised and ask himhow the gate will be opened. He replies,' yesterday after the match the English commentator was telling Flintoff holds the key to tomarrow's match'.
During Euro 2004 after the match between England and Coratia which England won by 4-0, in Lisbon, police find two men apparently drunk lying on the pavement. As the police men are wondering about the nationality of the lying men, one of the police man kneels beside a man as he hears some sound coming from him. Afterwards, the conversation between the kneeling policeman and his colleagues goes like this.
" I am sure he is an Englishman"
"How do you say that?"
" The man is uttering Rooney, Rooney..."
"O.K, what about the other man?"
" He is also uttering Rooney, Rooney...."
"Then he must also be an English man"
" No, he is a Coratian"
" How do you say that?"
" Because in between his utterances he is sobbing!"
Recently, India lost to Pakistan in one day series, some of the matches very badly. After the matches, Tendulkar and Rahul Dravid were asked by their wives to go to market and buy vegetables. Both are ashamed to show their faces and so go dressed like ladies with their head covered. When they are in vegetable market buying vegetables, one man who was observing them came to them and said ,'Oh, you are
Sachin and you are Rahul is it not?' Both Tendulkar and Dravid are surprised and ask him we are dressed like ladies, how did you find out. The man laughed and siaid,'It was easy. Sunil you are touching your knees and wrists quite often'. Tedulakr said,'O.K, how did you find out Dravid?'. The man said,'he was standing like a wall'
Different ways of marketing:You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing.
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You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him." That's Advertising. .............................................................................................
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." That's Telemarketing. ...........................................................
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up
her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?" That's Public Relations.
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You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich.. " That's Brand Recognition.
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You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback!!!!! ........................................................
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. That's demand and supply gap. ............................................................
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" she turns her face towards you She is your wife! That's competition eating into your market share.
Joke involving Einstein.
Once all the scientists die and go to heaven. They decide to play hide-n-seek. Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den. He is supposed to count upto 100 and then start searching. Everyone starts hiding except Newton. Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it, right in front of Einstein.
Einsteins counting ....97,98,99,100, opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front. Einstein says "Newtons out, Newton's out." Newton denies and says I am not out. He claims that he is not Newton. All the scientists come out and he proves that he is not Newton. how? Newton says: I am standing in a square of area 1m square.. That means I am Newton per meter square.. Hence I am Pascal. Since newton per meter square = Pascal
Monty's jokes:Monty went to a shop and bought a riddle game and it took him one and half years to solve the riddle. He boasted to his friend that he is faster in solving the riddle. His friend was surprised. He told him, It took you one and half years to solve and you say you are fast. Monty siad,'Yes ,you see here'. He showed the box in which the riddle game was packed. It was written on the box,'for 2 to 4 years'.
Monty applied for a salesman post. The Manager wanted to test him and asked 'why do you think you can do the job?'. Monty replied, 'I am very popular and so I can sell things easily'. Manager said, Oh, you are so popular, do you know Amitabh Bachen?'. Monty took the manager to Amitabh's house and Amitabh upon seeing them said ,'Oh, Monty, how are you?'. Manager was not satisfied, he asked him. 'Do you know President Bush'. Monty took him to White House and Bush also greeted Monty. After this, manager asked him, 'do you know Pope Paul?'. Monty took him to Vatican. There was a crowd waiting to see Pope. Monty told the manager to stand with them and said, 'I will go up and come along with Pope to the balcony'. Monty did that, but found the manager had swooned. he came down and asked the person who was standing
next to the manager, what happened. He said, 'It is nothing, I just asked him who is standing next to Monty in the balcony'.
Monty and his 10,000 followers went to a quiz show. The quiz master asked Monty, '18+18' how much?. Monty answered '25'. The quiz master was shocked. But, Monty's followers all clapped. The quiz master said,'O.K I will give you one more chance, tell me 2+2 how much?'. Monty answered correctly as '4'. The quiz master was happy. But, Monty's followers were silent and one of them pleaded to the quiz master,'Please give him one more chance'.
Dinner time jokes:Murugan went for dinner to his friend's house. Next day, his other friend Krishnan asked him, 'what did you have in the dinner', to which Murugan replied,'49 idlis'. Krishnan was taken aback. He told Murugan, 'You could have eaten one more and made it round figure of 50'. Murugan replied,'I felt shy of asking for one more'.
A guest had come to the house. All sat for dinner. The dog of the house went and sat next to the
guest. The guest was touched by the dog. He said,'what a dog, even it takes care of the guest', The boy of the house broke the secret. He said 'Uncle, the dog is sitting next to you since you are having its plate'.
It was dinner time in the house of cannibals. The son cannibal told the father, 'I don't like my
mother-in-law'. The father replied,'Leave her aside and eat the rest'.
Jokes with ministers:One minister visited his village and the next day the local newspaper put the news along with a photo in which next to the minister there was a buffelo. The minister did not like the photo. So, he rang up the editor and demanded an explanation. Next day the editor put the same photo in his paper with the following caption.'Picture of minister's visit to his village and right hand side is buffelo'.
A minister purchased an imported car, but he was not knowing anything about the car. His friend advised him to be careful with the machanics as they will change the imported parts with local cheap ones. The car arrived and the mechanic took him for a test ride. In a traffic signal the car stopped and all along the minister was asking the mechanic to explain waht he was doing. The mechanic also was telling I am steering the wheel, speeding and applying breaks etc. Once the green signal he got the mechanic started the car and told the minister, 'now I am changing the gear'. The minister shouted,'nothing doing, I won't allow you to change anything'.
An Indian minister visited U.S. His counterpart, the U.S. minister took him to his palatial house. The Indian minister was very much impressed on the house and asked his counterpart 'how did you manage to build the house in your salary'. The U.S minister took him to a nearby window, opened it and told,'do you a river and a bridge across it, I took 10% in the bridge'. Next, it was the turn of U.S minister to visit India and the Indian minister took him to his palatial house. The U.S minister also was very much impressed and asked him the same question, 'how did you manage to build the house in your salary'. The Indian minister took him to the nearby window and showed the river. The U.S. minister told, 'but, there is no bridge'. The Indian minister told,'I took 100% in the bridge'.
Jokes with old people:Two people are reading newspaper. One man reads a news item which says that 85 year old man has ran away from the house. Upon hearing this the other man said, 'I wonder what problem he had to run away from home'. The other man said' Yes. At this age running itself a problem'.
It was the custom in the house that the new born has to be shown to the eldest first who only will announce the arrival of the baby. After a long time a child is born and everyone took the child to the 90 year old grandlady of the house and showed to her. She took a hard look at the child and announced, 'If my memory serves right, it is a boy'.
Six scientific ways to catch a lion ! 1. Newton's Method: Let the lion catch you. For every action there is equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion.
2. Einstein Method: Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher Relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.
3. Schrodinger Method: At any given moment, there is a positive probability that lion will be in the cage. So set the trap, sit down and wait.
4. Inverse Transformation Method: Place a spherical cage in the forest and enter it. Perform an inverse transformation with respect to lion. Lion is in and we are out.
5. Thermodynamic Procedure: Construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows everything to pass through except lions. Then sweep the entire forest with it.
6. Integration Differential Method: Integrate the forest over the entire area. The lion is some where in the result. So differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.t lion to trace out the lion.
Scottish jokes:
The train arrived at London. Three passengers got down from the train. First, a French man gets down and walks away without looking back. Next, an English man gets down, but he looks back to see whether he has left behind anything. Last, a Scottish person gets down. He also looks back, to see whether anybody has left behind anything.
There was an accident on the road involving a bus. The injured passengers are lying on the road. One Scottish person approaches one of the injured and asks him whether the insurance people have come. The passenger says no,not yet. The Scottish person says then let me also lie down.
Sardarjee Jokes:One sardarji was going to Delhi to see Kutub Minar, Red Fort etc. by train. He was asleep in the upper berth when the train came to Agra. One man was having a transistor on and the announcement came' Akashvani yeh Dilli Hai'. The sardarji woke up in a hurry since he heard only'yeh dilli hai'. He got down and engaged a taxi and told the driver to take him to Kutub Minar and Red Fort. The taxi driver was good and he tried to convince the sardarji that it is Agra and not Delhi. But, the sardarji won't listen. They went round and round and came back to the railway station in the evening. Sardarji got down sadly and saw another sardarji getting down from another taxi. He went to him and lamented saying he wanted to see Kutub Minar and Red Fort and has spent Rs.5000 on the taxi, still he could not see. The
other sardar started crying saying I have spent Rs.50000 and searching for the same for the last one week.
There was a competition to find out who tells the biggest lie and there were three participants.First, American participant told we like Russians. Judges of the competition thought this is the biggest ie. Next, Russian participant told we love Americans. Judges thought this is a bigger lie than the American's. Next, they asked the sardarji participant to tell the lie. He replied,'I am thinking'. Judges gave the prize to him.
One sardarji had met with an accident. He had a bandage on his hand. His friend who met him asked him how it happened. Sardarji told that while working with the machine the hand got cut. His friend told ‘Thank God, your left hand is cut, had it been rifht hand you will not be able to do anything’. The sardarji replied, Don’t I know that that is why I gave the left hand in the machine’.
In NASA, they are unable to get the space shuttle going, it won’t start. One sardarji who came there told them ‘you slightly tilt the spacecraft, it will start’. They did that and it started. The NASA people were surprised and asked the sardarji how he was knowing this. He said, ‘daily morning I start my scooter like this only’.
One sardarji came down from his home in 15th floor and suddenly found that he has forgotten his watch and handkerchief. He called out his wife, who came to the balcony and showed the watch and the handkerchief. Since there was no time sardarji asked her to drop them. His wife dropped first the watch which fell down and was broken to pieces. Sardarji shouted, ‘don’t throw the handkerchief, it will also break’.
One sardarji was travelling by train. He had to go toilet urgently. He hurried and came back
immediately. Like this he was doing repeatedly. His co passenger asked him what is the problem. Sardarji told that whenever he goes to the toilet there is somebody already there. The co passenger said since you have to go urgently, that man has to come out and next time if he is still there, we will complain to the station master of the next station. It again happened to sardarji and he and the co passenger went to station master and complained. Station master who was also another sardarji said he will check. He also came back after going to toilet and siad you are right. The co passenger got curious. So, he went to the toilet and opened the door. Opposite to the door there was a mirror
Joke on banking:Recently there was a news item on BBC here in London, how some fradulant people use other's credit cards and thereby some people have found suddenly the money in their accounts reduced while money is expected to grow in banks. I am reminded of a humourous anecdote by Stephen Leecock. Here it is:
The authour came to know of the start of an instituion called bank (which was new in thoses days) where you can keep your money safe and it grows. He went to the bank, where he was received by the clerk who asked him,'What can I do for you, Sir?'. The author replied,'I want to know how you keep my money safe and how it grows'. The clerk took him to the manager and said,'Sir, this gentleman has come to open an account in our bank' The manager offered him a seat and explained to him the various types of accounts and their benefits. Afterwards, the manager took a form and said,'O.K, I will fill the form for you, please tell me how much you are depositing?'. The author said, 'say, ten pounds?'. The manager was agahst since he thought the author was a rich man and will be opening a fat account. he immediately rang the bell and called the clerk and told her, 'open an account for the gentleman'. The author went with the clerk, the account was opened and the clerk gave him the passbook and sid,'Please give the money'. The author gave the money which the clerk put inside her drawer. The author was agahst. He told the clerk,'You have put my money along with others'. How will you know my money if I want it back?'. the clerk laughed and said, 'Don't worry, whenever you want you can withdraw the money by filling this form'. The author filled the form for withdrawel of ten pounds as he was not happy about the safety of his money which is now mixed with others'. The clerk was aghast and said,'if you withdraw ten pounds now it means you are closing the account'. the author replied, 'i don't know, I want my money back'. the clerk handed over to him 9 pounds and 50 cents. The author was shocked. He told the clerk, 'I put 10 pounds in my account and you said it will be sfae and it will grow. But, you are giving me less money'.
The clerk explained,'Sir, since you closed the account 50 cents were reduced as bank processing charges'. So, the author returned with less money than he brought to the bank.
School jokes:In a school, the teacher asked the students to give an example each of a creature which lives in both land and water. First student told' crockadile'. Second student told'hippopotumaus'. Third student told 'frog'. Fourth student did not know. The teacher demanded 'I want another example'. The student replied'another frog'.
The child was taken for admission to school. The teacher conducted several tests. On colour identification, teacher asked the child, colour of eyes.The child answered 'black'. Next, the teacher asked the colour of the teeth. The child answered'white'. The teacher was satisfied. She continued her examination. She asked the child 'mother tongue?'. The child answered 'red'.
In a class, the teacher asked a student, 'give me an example of an interrogative sentence'. The student replied,'Rama, what is your name?'
There was a visit by school inspector to the class. The inspector asked a student,'who broke the bow of Janakar?'. The student did not know the answer. The inspector repeated the question. The student told'I did not break it, Sir'. The inspector was shocked. He turned to the teacher and the teacher told,'He is a very good student, I am sure he would not have broken it'.
Jokes on sports:In 1974, when India toured England, in one test match they were all out for 42. In the stadium, one wife told her husband,' I told you not to go to toilet, you have missed the whole of Indian innings'
John and Andrew met. John is a football fanatic. Andrew does not know anything about football. Andrew said,' I heard that our friend David has passed away'. John replied, 'Yeah, he was a great football player, but he did not know how to give back pass'. Andrew replied, 'He was not knowing how to give back pass, oh, that is why he must have met with sticky end!'.
During Wimbledon tournament when Martina Navaratilova was playing, one wife told her husband,' I have been telling you to go to Gym. regularly, see Martina's muscles!
In a class, the teacher asked students to describe cricket in one sentance. One student said,'Cricket is a game of ins and outs'. The teacher asked him to explain it. He said' In Cricket 11 players get in to get out 10 players of opposite team. First one batsman gets in and till he gets out another batsman cannot getin. The twelfth man sits out during play and gets in during drinks interval etc.
Jokes on music:Abaswaram Ramji was met by a reporter who asked him, ‘Sir, oru varushththile sumaraha neengal evvalavu paatu paaduveerkal?’. He replied, ‘Nanga padukirathellame sumar than ‘.
One beggar was singing and begging. In one house the man told him, ‘Nee paadukirathu antha kalathu honnappa bhagavathar mathi rye irukku’. The beggar replied,’Naan thaanga honappa bhagavathar’.
One man asked his friend,’Maali flute ketturikkaiya?’. He replied, ‘Ketten thara maatennu sollivittar’.
One man asked his friend ‘Do you know that Balachandar cannot play veena with this finger?’ showing his middle finger. The friend said he doesnot know. The man replied it is because this is my finger’.
Jokes with names:During Kargil war with Pakistan, the Indian and Pakistani soldiers are in the opposite bunkers,ready to attack. The scene is anyone raising their head will be shot at. The Indian solders (sradarjis) find a way. Since, the muslim names of Mohamed, Rehman, Abdul etc. is common, the Indian solder will call out theses names. The Pakistani soldier with that name will stand up and will be shot at. This continues for a while. The Pakistani captain finds out the Indian strategy. Since sardarji names such as Balwinder, Yoginder etc. is common, he calls out first balwinder's name. But, the sardarji Balwinder is clever. Without getting up from the bunker, he asks who is calling me?. The pakistani captain stands up saying it is me and he is shot at.
Two old men meet each other. One is coughing heavily and the other is clutching his heart. The first one asks where are you going? I am going to see doctor says Arokiasamy. Where are you going he asks the other. I am going for heart surgery says Irudhayasamy.
Proxy giving in a class is worrying the teacher. She says to all students to get their names embroidered on their banians. Next day, she asks the monitor of the class to read the names from the banians of each student. He also starts reading. He reads from one student as his name 'VIP' (the student has forgotten to get his name embroidered).
Funny dreams:This is a humorous story fully conceived by me.
After the tsunami attack, in Madurai Meenakshi Temple, in Adiveethi one rishi is sitting in dyanam. Several people who have been affected by tsunami assemble before him. When he opens his eyes they all prostrate before him and ask him, what they should do to prevent further attacks. He closes his eyes for
sometime and then opening his eyes he says,' A person from this city has gone abroad and is in London now and the rishi proceeds to give an exact description of me. He says he was the 'Madurai Veeran', in previous birth. Now, the dream has two ends. First, the sweet dream.
In sweet dream, he syas 'you people bring him back, get him married to both Bommi and Vellaiaama and make him the king of Madurai' and there will be no further tsunami attacks'.
In night mare dream, he syas,'you people bring him back. I am the Pandian King in previous birth. If we cut his legs and hands and offer to the deity there will be no further tsunami attacks'.
Jokes with names :
In a class, the teacher wanted to know how the students have been named. She asked the student to tell one by one first their father's name and then their name. First student told his father's name is Rajappa and his name is Raja. The second student told his father's name is Palaniappa and his name is Palani. Like this many students told. The teacher strated wondering how the names have been kept monotaneously. First the father will be named with Appa and the son will be named cutting the Appa. Next one Christian student got up. The teacher became anxious. He told his father's name is John. The teacher told 'Oh, great, and what is your name?'. The student replied my name is Johnson!
One North Indian person went to meet the lawyer. The lawyer's clerk asked him to give the details. He asked him'tell me your name'. he replied, my name is Ahemedabad. The clerk was surprised, but still asked 'tell me your father's name'. He told my father's name is Hyderabad. The clerk got annoyed 'how you people have given cities' name to people'. He replied'why, you Tamil people have names as Palani, Chidambaram etc.'
Two sardarji youths came to London, worked very hard and earned lot of money. One day they decided that they should enjoy life and went out and met an English call girl who smiled at them. Now, they were not knowing English. So, by sign they invited the girl and took her home. There, they gave the girl a paper and pen and showed sign to write what she wanted. She first drew bottle. They ran and brought liquor. Then, she drew chicken and they brought that also and they had chicken and took the liquor. Then, the girl drew the cot. The sardarjis were stunned. They were wondering'how she knows that we are carpenters!
One sardarji was expecting to become father and was waiting outside delivery room. After some time nurse came and announced to the sardarji that he as got a son. Sardarji ran inside and came out in the same speed. The nurse asked him what happened. The saradarji told it is not my son. The nurse insisted that it is his son. The sardarji asked if it is my son where is the beard!
One sardarji and his wife were going by car. Some bandits stopped the car. They took the sardarji and made him stand in a place and put a circle around him and told that we are going to remove the jewellary from your wife and at that time you should not come out of the circle and if you do so we will kill you. They took the wife and started removing her jewellary. After some time when they were busy, they heard sardarji lughing. They came to him and asked 'O fool! we are looting your wife and you are laughing. sardarji told when you people were looting I jumped out and in of the circle many times!
One sardarji had only one white blank paper, but wanted 50 sheets to write. He thought what to do and you know what he did, he xeroxed it
One sradarji took a helicopter up flying and after sometime came crashing down. In the hospital his friend asked him what happened. He said, when I went up there was lot of wind and I thought when so much wind is there why we need the fan rotating in front and so switched it off !
One sardarji was driving his car in the night without headlights. The police stopped him and asked him why you are not having head lights on to which he replied, I heard there is power cut in this area !
On sardarji got into a taxi in Delhi. The taxi driver, who is fond of putting riddles, asked the
sardarjee, 'My father has three sons, one is in Culcatta, one is in Bombay and who is the third one. Sardarji was puzzled and asked the driver to tell the answer. The driver said'it is me' andlaughed. After getting down from the taxi, the sardarji went to his house and called his wife and said I am going to put to you a riddle and repeated the driver's riddle, 'My father has three sons, one is in Culcatta, one is in Bombay and who is the third one'. Sardarji's wife was also puzzled, who could be the third son to my father-in-law. Sardarji told triumphantly, the answer is 'it is the driver who is running the taxi at Karolbaugh' .
